All posts by Scarlett O'Casual

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Anxiety

Great, it’s time for Anxiety! So, I’ve been pretty much wrapped up in Lawrence all week but like I said on the last post, I’ve decided to go ahead with the Experiment and continue dating. A few days ago, L and I sat down for a talk and he said he had something to tell me and I said I had something to tell him as well. The timing seemed synchronous but the content was not. He asked if I would be his girlfriend and I had to tell him that I felt like I still needed to date as a Self-Improvement Project. This was not a super fun conversation, obviously. What was even less fun was the conversation I had with him today in which he was pulling away from me and unhappy because I am going on a date today and he knows it.

I am leaving for said date in 10 minutes and I am freaked out now because of the above situation. Plus, I didn’t e-mail back my date for today (from Speed Dating) in a timely manner (being anxious about L) so now I have not heard from him and may be stood up! Well, I’ll chalk it up to experience and I have a plan to go grocery shopping instead in that neighborhood if I don’t see him at the restaurant. I am not paying for a lunch for myself today!

I just feel like things are back firing on me. I want L to be more affectionate (is this a problem that he is not as much as I want him to be?) and here I am dropping a bomb in his lap which is only apt to make him less affectionate.

Augh!!!

 

Scarlett O'Casual

Kick in the Pants

Today I got a much-needed Scarlett O’Casual kick in the pants. Talked to Cassie about my Lawrence “problem.” How already so early in the Experiment I am heading dangerously close to the over-commitment thing. The past few days I have been intensely considering being exclusive with Lawrence rather than continuing to date many people. (My problem is often that I am too intense. Could I just get that lobotomy now, please?)

Luckily for me, Cassie advised me at the critical juncture that was today that I really need to date more before ending the Experiment. Even though I temporarily felt like a dating guru, she pointed out the simple and undeniable fact that I still have more to learn. I told her how much I like Lawrence and how I want him to trust me but how can he if I tell him I’m dating a bunch of people? C pointed out that if he really is the right person for me, he will wait and “allow” me to do just what I feel I need to do.

I am developing pretty natural feelings of potential jealousy and possessiveness toward L, albeit feelings that could sour quickly if they go too far. I just would hate to hear him tell me that he is getting physical in any way with anyone else. I hate myself for this–it makes me feel ugly and out of control. I’m writing about it because I have to be honest, it’s part of the process. And I can be honest with him, too.

The best thing C told me today was that I need to practice dealing with the discomfort caused by already feeling strongly toward  L while simultaneously dating other people. It’s the dealing with the discomfort part that’s so important–this is the process that will allow for real personal growth and give me the opportunity to overcome my over-commitment/impulsively getting together with someone problem. I didn’t necessarily enjoy this kick in the pants but I’m glad I got it. Objective perspective wins over my own  confused subjectivity, the same thing that happens over and over as we rely on friends to get us through.

And I do feel better. Over the past few days, I had 1)built it up in my mind to believe that I had to make a huge decision between Lawrence and dating (which is false) and 2)gotten all knotted up about it. Now I feel a bit better. I know there’s going to be more discomfort over the coming months–BRING IT.

I have now re-committed to the Dating Experiment by answering e-mails from the Speed Date guys (four so far) saying I will go on a date with them. So, more fab dating descriptions to come. Wish me luck.

 

 

 

Scarlett O'Casual

Vampires, Dolly Parton & Dating

Today I was reading The Complete Vampire Companion: Legend and Lore of the Living Dead, which I checked out from the library.  (I have a weakness for most things vampire, so when I see the book on the shelf I grab it and try to suck the life out of it.) I started to think of how dating could be compared to vampirism. Survival of the fittest: find someone healthy, chase them down and then basically take the vitality out of them, which can be quick or slow.  Oh wait, is that the cynical me talking?

Or maybe my thoughts are just whirling around the Speed Dating. Got back the results today–10 guys I matched with out of the nearly 20 I picked. At first I felt just a little bit rejected, then got over it, especially since I realized that I don’t even remember half the people I met. (May be time to start a gingko biloba regiment.) And I realized that the whole thing is kind of silly. First off, I like Lawrence and I want to keep seeing him, even though it is not the Plan to get too exclusive with anyone. Secondly, how can you really get to know people that fast without stupid snap judgments–it seems that you might just pick all the wrong people or the right people might not pick you. I was surprised to be passed over by two of the guys who I thought liked me and equally surprised to be picked by one guy who I thought had very little interest in me.

Maybe I am just nuts. I guess this is the part of the process where I start questioning everything I am doing.

Right now I am listening to Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” on Pandora and I remembered a useful saying I learned from Sloane Crossley (awesome!!) today in How Did You Get This Number: “What would Dolly do?” I like it. I think that may be a dating slogan for me going forward. Because even though Crossley unfortunately ended up with a complete Dickhead, with a capital “D” after she asked herself this question, I think it’s good to have a guiding light of a female role model like Dolly P. She would hold her head up high, she would be authentic (even in spite of all the makeup and hair!), and she would never, ever forget who she is–her  Selfhood. (In spite of being called “One of the purdiest singin’-est, song-writin’-est lil’ blon’ s in country music” (see “Jolene“) — is this guy for real??)

Anyway, I ended up being matched with some interesting guys, I think (at least the ones I can remember). There are at least four nerds and possibly a couple of lookers. The lists of names is like a little present that comes in the mail and I’m enjoying going over each person’s name, thinking of etymologies. Unfortunately, there is one guy who had such bad hand-writing that the group organizer couldn’t read it and so as far as I know, we can’t be put in contact with one another for this reason. I feel like I’ve been cut off by the Hand of Fate. And he was one of the people I was most interested in talking to later, as we had a great (albeit brief) talk on religion.

Well, that pretty much wraps up my crazy brain’s expression for tonight!

First Dates

DATING EXPERIENCE 3: It was hot and then it was hotter

NAME OF DATE: “LAWRENCE”

ACTIVITY: COFFEE TURNED MUSEUM/WALK TURNED SHOPPING TURNED YOGA

VENUES: OUTDOOR/INDOOR COFFEE SHOP, INDOOR/OUTDOOR MUSEUM, STORE, HIS PLACE

MY OUTFIT: BLACK & WHITE PATTERNED STRAPPY 80’S-ISH TANK VERY LOW-CUT WITH ANOTHER LOW-ISH CUT TANK UNDERNEATH, JEANS, HAIR COMBED BACK A LITTLE ON SIDES; CUTE RED PLATFORM SANDLES (low-cut & red sandals win again!)

AMOUNT OF TIME BEAUTIFYING: 30-45 MINS (although I was very excited to go out with Lawrence, I worked out in the morning thinking of his fit-ness and how he seemed more of a Nature Boy, and also had less time period; was also tired of my period by this time)

FOLLOW-UP DONE BY: ME (I asked him on the coffee date we had planned via text sent 4 days later); HIM (after the coffee date, he contacted me the next night via text)

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: YES

NARRATIVE: I met Lawrence a week earlier when I went to an event to sample varieties of tea. When I walked in the door of the coffee/tea shop and scanned over the faces of the participants sitting at the table together, one face stood out. A nice-looking chap at the back of the table. I think we’ve lost something by giving up Phrenology, which was popular 150-300 years ago. This guy was the perfect specimen. He had the effect of a large head (balanced by the fact that he was tall and just large enough of a person overall, while not in the least fat).

The shape of the entire face gave off a very noble effect. Large, beautiful blue-green eyes with an intelligent look; quite tall with the proper shoulders to support the head and go with the body and a long-ish well-shaped nose. A little nerdy looking and fairly nerdy talking. My God, I am a sucker for these types.

After the event, we both ended up coincidentally in a store nearby and picked up the conversation again a couple times. I then joked that I was following him out of the store when we even ended up leaving at the same time. Due to the serendipitous timing, we were able to walk down the street together to my car. He mentioned he was going to go on a run. Attractive—in shape!! Then he asked me out for coffee and we exchanged numbers. He seemed quiet, introverted and slightly nervous, versus his personality when we were in the group. It was kind of cute.

Onto the actual date: A gentleman, he tried to pay for my stuff. He helped me cross the stones at the creek. He not only volunteered to go shopping but carried my shit to the car.

Part of the attraction, beyond his nearly perfect phrenology, is his calmness and a quality that I would call centeredness. He seems to have an imperturbable center within himself, which in turn creates a certain quiet confidence.

First, there was coffee. He seemed a little more interested in listening over talking (which is always refreshing!) but there was also a pretty even interchange.

I thought we would just have coffee; I couldn’t exactly gauge his reaction to how well the date was going. He is a little hard to read in some way. But then on his suggestion, we went to a historic house/museum and walking trail. Touring the house and trail added a romantic atmosphere to the conversation and we warmed up toward each other.

Then, shopping to get it over with so we could continue hanging out. Then we went to his place. More talking and watched some TV. At some point there may’ve been kissing (allegedly). We also ate dinner and did yoga. His Yoga-ness and the way he looked in those basketball shorts was hot—a guy with great calves is a gift to the world. Further hotness when I noticed even more the beauty of his eyes. The intensity of one color circled by a darker color—whew!!

So what the hell am I doing, is this Scarlett O’Casual caught in the trap of lust?? Let’s just say it was a very, very good date. I liked getting re-introduced to my own sensuality, it’s been a long time.

Rating Him:

Face shape: 9.5 (yipes!)

Body: 8.5

Eyes: 9.5 (can I just say I’m melting?)

Hair or lack thereof/Facial hair or lack thereof: 7

Voice: 7.5

Smell: 8.5 (I couldn’t really smell him but that’s a lot better than smelling something I don’t want to)

Sexiness: 8.5

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 9

Fashion: 7.5

IT-ness (the IT factor, you either have IT or you don’t): 8

Deportment: 9

Charm: 8.5 (sense of humor adds a lot)

Amiable: 10

Polite: 10

Interesting: 8.5

Kiss-o-meter: 7.5

Rating Myself:

Face: 8.5 (looked kinda natural and glowing, I thought, but makeup a little smudged at the end)

Body: 8.5 (period, ugh but was getting through it; felt skinnier than I had in a while)

Smell: 7.5 (I was kinda sweaty on the trail)

Fashion: 8.5 (I like the shirt and I rocked the shoes)

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8

Deportment: 9

Amiable: 8 (I was stand-offish in the coffee line)

Confidence: 7.5

Polite: 9

First Dates

DATING EXPERIENCE 2: Speed-dating: is it dating or is it crack?

NAME OF GUY: MET 24 GUYS

ACTIVITY: SPEED DATING: 3-4 MINUTES TALKING TO EACH GUY

VENUE: INDOOR DOWNTOWN BAR, AFTERNOON

MY OUTFIT: BLACK TANK W/ GOLD SPARKLE DESIGN WITH VELVET JACKET; JEANS; BOB COMBED FORWARD, HAIR NEWLY CUT UP TO TOP OF NECK IN BACK; CUTE RED PLATFORM SANDALS (decided NOT to wear a low cut top to see if it would generate less interest and I think I was somewhat right; wore jeans because I was having my period and was bloated) (a guy on the street noticed my strut and my cute shoes—I know this because he said “Hey, how are you?”—he wasn’t creepy and he wasn’t too hard on the eyes, I almost decided to go on a date with him instead)

AMOUNT OF TIME BEAUTIFYING: 1-1 1/2 HOUR/S

FOLLOW-UP DONE BY: RECEIVE E-MAIL WITH CONTACT INFO OF THE GUYS WHO PUT ME ON THEIR INTERESTED LIST; IF I PUT THEM ON MY LIST, THEY WILL GET MY CONTACT INFO—STILL WAITING FOR THE E-MAIL

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: YES, TENTATIVELY TO SCHEDULE A DATE WITH ANYONE WHO IS MUTUALLY INTERESTED

NARRATIVE: Well, this experience felt like taking crack–although I’ve never done this–it seems like it would be frenetic. How do you judge a guy based on 3-4 minutes? It turned out to be fun, even though I was irritated and bloated beforehand and didn’t particularly feel like going, I paid over $20 + parking so dammit, I was going! I learned something very interesting: presentation is crucial.

For example:

1) Almost every guy asked me what I do for a living. I decided to understate the importance of it, if anything, rather than make it sound like a more important job than it really is. Result: most of the guys seemed pretty unimpressed. Question: does this mean they are looking for a Sugar Mamas?

2) I was un-attracted to one guy’s high voice but he has a dog and seemed nice so I decided to add him to the list. (It’s all about what you say and your attitude.)

3) There were two guys who seemed a bit tired, pessimistic and disinterested. I had no interest in dating them regardless of any other qualities they may’ve had.

Who went on my list? Hotties, nerds, and guys who captivated me with a single detail—like the dog example, also a conversation about spirituality, and a guy who loves classic films.

It will be interesting to see who picks me and if I remember who the hell they are after the crack whore experience. Will it be the drunk guy who looks like Gilligan? I am curious to see  if the people I thought I liked really are the ones I like. I also could potentially have almost 20 new dates!

First Dates

DATING EXPERIENCE 1: Valentine’s Day

NAME OF DATE: “RICK”

ACTIVITY: SINGLES’ GROUP VALENTINE’S PARTY FOR PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LOVE VALENTINE’S DAY

VENUE: OUTDOOR/INDOOR CASUAL DOWNTOWN BAR

MY OUTFIT: BLACK & WHITE PATTERNED LOW-CUT, KNEE-LENGTH STRAPPY DRESS WITH VELVET JACKET & KNEE-HIGH GRANNY BOOTS; HAIR SLIGHTLY FLUFFED ON SIDES

AMOUNT OF TIME BEAUTIFYING: 1-1 1/2 HOUR/S

FOLLOW-UP DONE BY: HIM, NEXT MORNING VIA TEXT/PHONE CALL IN AFTERNOON

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: YES, WE SAID WE WOULD ABOUT 2 WEEKS AFTER 1ST DATE

INTRO: It seems fitting that Rick is Date #1—he would want to be. The question is, is this because of Short Man’s Syndrome or real confidence? Or both?

NARRATIVE: I arrived at this casual outdoor/indoor bar, such a typical example of this common venue in my City. A tall, old wooden fence surrounding the outdoor area, with rustic benches and tables contained alongside it. Inside, a DJ and a badly proportioned room that is too small for the crowd.

My first goal on arrival was food: protein to feed this beast. So I fought my way up to the bar to order and was standing by a guy who on first glance looked like Jemaine Clement (HOT!!) from Flight of the Concords but later did NOT look like him. (If it had been JC, I would’ve married him on the spot—if he’d have me—and forgotten this whole dating shenanigan of an experiment.) JC-NOT-look-alike politely let me order first as I had been standing there a few seconds before him. In response, I made the faux pas of saying I was there a little bit before him and making a weird measuring gesture with my finger. I think he thought I was being sarcastic, although I wasn’t. Oops, one mistake already and I had been there all of five minutes. The best things about this interaction were that 1)I dipped my toe in the water and had at least spoken to a member of the male species 2)since he turned out to be a poorly dressed schmuck with a dorky backpack and not like JC, I didn’t feel too sad about not getting to talk to him again. (Ah, the judgment comes out so soon! But if I’m going to do this blog, it’s got to be honest observation. And don’t worry Gentle Reader, I will be ever so harsh on myself later as well.

After this transitional Faux Pas Point, I was now ready to find a place (somewhere else) to go. Scouting out the bar I had an inner monologue moment: “Not a lot of options—inside, outside, hmmmmmm. Try not to look like a lonely dweeb. Remember, everyone here is probably a lonely dweeb—after all we are single at a non-Valentine’s Valentine party.” Were we all Barbie & Ken, we’d be driving through the dusk in the pink Corvette to make mad passionate love in the penthouse ‘til at least 2 A.M. And the perk the next morning would be waking up with peppermint breath and perfect makeup.

So at this point, I decide to walk around and scout where to Be, to exist unobtrusively. “Nope, still the same scene. Still alone, dang.” Noticing everyone as a Potential. Make notes of how attractive/non-creepy each individual is. Then, try not to think this because it only adds to my feeling of social awkwardness. “Should’ve stayed home and watched Netflix this weekend for the 64th time running!” Anxiety. “Ok, calm down.” Talk my brain down from the jump off the balcony—go on auto pilot. Pick a table outside, sit, wait for food. Pretend to be nonchalant, watch people enter from sidewalk.

Enter: Rick. Shiny bald head, he’s short but looks fairly built, wearing jeans, button-up black shirt. Eye contact. He asks me a question about the event, I answer. He smiles, walks inside.

Again, alone and awkward, I get my food, thank God! Start snarfing and Rick comes back and asks if he can sit with me. Double relief. I’m flattered.

Next words out of his mouth are about his career/job. It’s a perfect funny moment to me as I realize this is just like in The Science of Sex Appeal which I watched as a dating-prep movie the day before. It is apparently important to the majority of men to give a potential mate their career information because of the biological drive to show themselves as capable providers. And maybe it’s working just a little on me as I check out his capable, strong looking forearms protruding from the black sleeves and his tough-looking tattoos. For all of his 5’7” build (he says he is 5’8”), he has a strong jaw and a great 5 o’clock shadow. And that bald, tough guy thing! Whew. Sadly, I think of Jean-Luc Picard, a.k.a. Patrick Stewart (God, I am such a nerd!) Someone once told me that women like his head because it looks like a large penis tip. (Read into this what you will but go easy on me, please.)

So, Rick and I end up talking, a lot. Luckily, in the five hours we spend together, the conversation was a pretty good interchange. We found out that we have weird personality quirks in common—like an affinity for cleanliness, over-organization and minimalism.

We spent the entire Event together except for a few interruptions. The longer the night went on the more drinks he kept going back for (eek!) and a couple guys stepped up to talk to me. I felt conflicted between wanting to mingle and act open and ready to talk to other people and trying to be polite to Rick, plus having a desire to be exclusive with him. I let my urge for exclusivity take over because I was enjoying his company and because I suppose it was easier than getting rid of him or introducing myself to new people all over. It’s also difficult to tear yourself away from someone when you have immediate chemistry and are having fun with them. And what is the first date supposed to be if not fun?? It may be good to practice letting something unfold with someone a bit on a date and then pulling back and playing the field again the next time up. There are obviously different angles to examine in this learning process. My self-analysis for this week includes fully acknowledging that I have consistently had a problem pulling back and establishing boundaries I am comfortable with when a guy shows more interest in me than I am ready to return. I am also aware that this may be the point at which my problem begins—why I end up in a relationship wherein the other person is in love and I am not. These are inevitably committed relationships, so usually stay with the person for a year or more and then cut and run. On some level, I am ok with playing a part, as much as I hate to admit it. It took me a long time to own that responsibility; for one thing there are so many things one can blame a bad relationship on that have to do with the other person. I also hate to admit this actor-like quality in myself because when it comes to breaking hearts, it becomes despicable. I am soft-hearted enough to hate hurting someone in the short-term, so much so that I become a coward and won’t get out of the relationship, even though I know it is all wrong. Then, when it’s time to finally let go of my frustration—and consequently Mr. Wrong—I am frustrated and hard-hearted enough to go through with it. So this dating experiment and blog is all about not falling into this trap again.

I want to know why I put so much pressure on myself to return an equal amount of interest in a guy that I don’t necessarily feel. Partly out of cowardice but also partly out of insecurity? A fear of rejection if I don’t return the interest and then he turns away and rejects me? An urge to be so nice that everyone will always like me? Maybe. This is something that will require more thought as the experiment continues.

Back to Rick. So, I felt apprehensive when he asked me what my plans were over the next couple days. I immediately felt the urge for more space. The flip side to this is that I was already charmed by his looks and sense of humor and knew I wanted to continue getting to know him. Plus, there is a definite rush of flattery when someone texts you “good morning” the next day and then calls later and asks you to go on a hike with he and his friend. (Hope they are not freaky-deaky axe murderers!) I was relieved, however, by the fact that I was unable to go due to time constraints, what with my need for space. We decided to get together again when he moves here in about two weeks. Now I am realizing that maybe I’m just a Commitment-Phobe hiding in an Over-Committers clothing, which is confusing.

The conclusion of the date was the bar gradually emptying out and Rick getting more interested in talking to a group of girls whose dance skills he was impressed by. I had no one to talk to and felt kind of punished for not wanting to dance due to self-consciousness.

A little later, when I got tired, he walked me back to my car and I gave him a ride back to the bar. I felt that in talking and being silly jumping on some weird fake turf on the sidewalk that we re-connected a bit. Dropping him off in front of the bar was a pragmatic operation involving a narrow street with nowhere to park. We shook hands, which felt a little weird, but hugging or kissing would’ve felt awkward under the circumstances.

Overall, I’d say it was a good introduction to the experiment—had some fun and got a little dolled up. Met someone I had some chemistry with and got a dose of some pitfalls (anticipated or not). Just getting out and getting started is a huge positive.

Rating Him:

Face shape: 8

Body: 6.5

Eyes: 6

Hair or lack thereof/Facial hair or lack thereof: 9

Voice: 9 (great phone voice)

Sexiness: 7.5

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8

Fashion: 9.5

IT-ness (the IT factor, you either have IT or you don’t): 9

Deportment: 10

Charm: 9 (sense of humor adds a lot)

Amiable: 7

Polite: 7 (got me water, lost points talking to the girls w/o including me in the conversation)

Interesting: 7

Kiss-o-meter: N/A 

Rating Myself:

Face: 8 (makeup started out great, smudged by end of night)

Body: 7.5 (dress was loose around waist, felt a little overweight & thick around the middle)

Smell: 8.5 (I was not sweaty & did not stink)

Fashion: 6 (see Body)

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8 (the most effective part of my outfit was apparently the low-cut top, caught Rick checking out the girls)

Deportment: 9 (I carried myself well)

Amiable: 7 (I lost points for not jumping in to dance)

Confidence: 6

Polite: 10

Scarlett O'Casual

Shredded by the Ghost: A Look Back Before Going Forward

A void where love was, after waking up from the dream.

Love was all-consuming that year and even trickled down into a consistent ache for five long years after that. And then, a void.

He stayed in my mind, the ghost following behind me, the vapor in my brain. Like Sherman Alexie says in The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fist Fight in Heaven:

“There are things you should learn. Your past is a skeleton walking one step behind you, and your future is a skeleton walking one step in front of you. Maybe you don’t wear a watch, but your skeletons do, and they always know what time it is.”

Alexie understands love as well as any writer I have ever read. And love really does relate to horror stories. But while a good horror story usually climaxes and then ends in a grand release of suspense providing satisfactory resolve, my worn love affair left me, at the end of five years, finally out of love–“over him”–but void.

The passion and tragedy of unrequited love had shredded me for all that time. When I finally saw him again, I thought the love had miraculously returned to its earlier reciprocating form. Instead, I found a real man completely detached, just spewing romantic words without meaning any of it.

“How do you talk to the real person whose ghost has haunted you? How do you tell the difference  between the two?” (Ibid)

I finally figured out that, to this old lover of mine, only his art meant something to him, or at least it was the only lover he would ever allow himself to embrace. His embraces for me at this point were lip service only, like his words–he could no longer truly give himself to another human being.

I tell myself it’s a good thing that I came to the realization that I had only been in love with a dream for those five years. The real man in front of me was not that dream, could not be that dream. There was vast disappointment mixed in with some relief at falling out of love due to this discovery. It’s very easy to say that I had been utterly stupid and naïve. But when I remember exactly how much in love I felt at one time–I mean really allow myself to relate to it for a moment–I know that it was as real as it may ever be for me. It was a milestone, a completely absorbing passion.

So now, after almost exactly eight years to the day I met him, there’s just me, alone. A more mature and whole person, less naïve. I’ve learned a lot going through the rock-bottom sensation of hurt. First in losing him, then the constancy of loving him in his absence–the Ghost, the Dream–and then the short attempt at revival of old feelings, ending in disappointment. And after that, processing how to feel as just myself, not an in-love person anymore and how not to be vulnerable for anyone for the last year plus.

It’s not like I think about it every day now. The past is the past, even though it’s a skeleton. But I guess I have to admit, maybe that kind of love and disappointment is never really pushed out of one’s mind and heart until there is a replacement. An older, wiser me upcoming to tackle that? Can I find a replacement love? A love of all time to blow my mind? And do it the right way this time? Maybe this blog is a start.

But here I go, always ahead of myself and maybe that’s why I fall in love hard and easily almost every time. Why I have had the opposite of a commitment issue. But I’ve been so good in the last year–I’ve stayed single. It’s forever since I’ve managed that. On the other hand, loneliness is starting to creep in from a hermit-like existence. That’s part of what brought me to this point–to learn to date, and not only that but to learn to do it casually. No commitment, no ties, no drama, just fun and getting to know people. For me, an experiment, a test for myself to do what does not come naturally and test the hypothesis that I do have the capability to do it and learn from it.

With this frame of reference, the experiment will be structured–approximately one first date a week. Exposure to one member of the male species at one time for a short time. For coffee, conversation, and other such date-like activities. I may even learn something from the activities themselves–like extreme knitting or something. (Ouch–carpal tunnel!)

Small talk has always been such a bore, unless I am concentrating on something else, like the sculptured look of someone’s nose. So if I can at least pull off small talk, while processing either my own random thoughts or anxieties, I feel it will be a success. I think part of this will be in learning even more how to be ok with myself, as I am. That is, myself interacting with others, without having to please them. Being an over-pleaser and a bit of an enabler may be one reason why I leap into committed relationships before I look.

Let’s hope the sob story is over for once and all.

 

Scarlett O'Casual

Important Info to Read Before Reading This Blog

Please note, all names of individuals contained herein are fake; places are not mentioned specifically. This is in order to protect the innocent (and possibly the guilty, meaning myself).

In the beginning section cataloging each date, I am including sections for things like “My Outfit” and “Amount of Time Spent Beautifying.” FYI, I am not a Narcissist. I put these as indicators of how important I thought the date was going to be beforehand. I am also using these categories because I think it will be interesting to note each date’s reaction to my appearance, as well as my own confidence level based on my own perception of how I look that day.

At the ending section cataloging each date, I have put in several categories of rankings of things like the person’s face, smell and interestingness. The rankings are not in order to be mean to my dates (hey, the names are changed!) I also included a category called “Deportment.” This category is based on the critical factor of how one carries himself, my little joke inspired by Mr. Turveydrop in Bleak House. Another category is “Amiable,” an idea that Jane Austen illustrated in descriptions of courtship. I think that the idea of Amiable is best described when Agatha Christie quotes David Copperfield in her autobiography: ‘”Is your brother an agreeable man, Peggotty?” I enquired cautiously. “Oh what an agreeable man he is!” exclaimed Peggotty .’ (Christie goes on to explain that her own father was an agreeable/amiable man.)

The purpose of all these rankings is in the interest of Science, to study how much importance I attach to each category in making an overall evaluation of how much I like someone and if I will date the person again. So, with that being said, just read the rest of the damn blog.

Scarlett O'Casual

Release Into The Wild

My first release into the wilds of dating. On the prowl. A little nervous. A little excited.

It all started with a chat after dinner at my friend Bee’s house, with another friend, Cassandra Chick-Lit, in attendance. Bee has been in a committed relationship for about 10 years; Cassandra and I are both currently single. As women so often do, the three of us began to analyze our relationship histories—the Good, the Bad & the Ugly. And while the three of us have plenty in common, it’s the Ugly I’ve mostly considered on a very personal level for the last year and a half (more on that later).

Cassandra and I began to talk about the Bad—in other words, where we have been unsuccessful in our relationships. All three of us are in our 30s, which seems to be a place where people become more in tune with who they are and can have more honest conversations about it. Cassandra confessed that she is a commitment-phobe. By contrast, I consider myself a non-commitment-phobe. This has been a very Ugly problem for me for many years past. I’ve had so many bad long-term relationships that I am starting to lose count. It started with a relationship with my High School Sweetheart, which lasted for nearly eight years and ended in the Bitter Big D. (Which divorce is not bitter??)

Anyway, for most of my adult life, I have impulsively committed to and been stuck with several of the wrong people. One, three, SEVEN years in: “Gee, all this wasted time has been a blast but I really have to leave now.” I could write a book about it (and in fact have a half-written manuscript on this topic in my desk right now.) Hence, the Anti-Commitment Problem, or ACP. That sounds like a medical diagnosis. Yes I like that—ACP—that sounds better than just saying I have a yucky personal issue.

This problem is still lurking around somewhere in my past and while I was talking to Bee and Cassandra, I realized that I have no idea how to date; here I am at this ripe age and I still don’t even have the skills that even a semi-popular teenager might. To my credit, in this past year of FINALLY self-inflicted singlehood, I have at least figured out a bit about why I have ACP (which I will discuss later). I have gone through quite a process this year, achieving not only monk-like celibacy, but a cynically self-protective edge over romantic impulsiveness.

But after talking it out with Bee and Cassandra, I suddenly realized that perhaps now there is a component missing in my life. Living by myself is not exactly lonely but potentially boring and I hate being bored. Plus, I may not want to be the old lady in the nursing home someday who passed up all the opportunities to have a relationship for 50 years because she made poor choices during the 15 years prior. Plus, it seems that dating would be a skill that many people in our society would/should have, and I do enjoy having skills. (I find it helps with résumés if nothing else.) Plus, I really can’t spend the entire rest of my life watching Star Trek on Netflix, as appealing as it may sound.

The project with which I am starting my new life will include going on a date with one new person every week OR  attending at least one dating-oriented event each week for a year.

Thus, with all these factors considered, I, Scarlett O’Casual, am ready for my Official Release into the Wild.