First Dates, Scarlett O'Casual

DATING EXPERIENCE 5: Do cougars drink coffee?

NAME OF GUY: “JOHN”

ACTIVITY: coffee at college-y, hipster-y neighborhood coffee shop

VENUE: outdoor/indoor coffee shop

MY OUTFIT: red low-cut-ish hippie shirt w/ lace edging and long sweater, short leggings w/ tall black 80’s boots and a favorite necklace

AMOUNT OF TIME BEAUTIFYING: 30 minutes

FOLLOW-UP DONE BY: hasn’t happened yet

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: unsure, no plans were made

NARRATIVE: I was waiting in line for food, coffee and him when he walked in and we did the “let’s try to look each other over subtly to figure out if that’s the person I’m meeting” thing. It’s been almost exactly three weeks to the day since I met him at Speed Dating (he was my first date there). We both acknowledged that it was a bit difficult to recognize each other due to how many people we had met there, and it was a bit awkward at first standing in line. By the time we sat down and started talking the conversation warmed and we were able to jump from topic to topic and have a good conversation, but I couldn’t tell exactly what was going on behind his eyes. It’s funny how with some people you can tell and some you can’t. He would sometimes look at me intently during pauses in the conversation and I couldn’t tell if he was concentrating, or thought I was good-looking, or if that is just a typical every-day expression for him. He did seem to think I was funny and interesting. I do believe he also thought I was too old and may not want to date me again because of that. I saw him as too young—10 years my junior. I suspected he was pretty young when I met him at Speed Dating, outside of the range I have chosen for anyone to get involved with unless it’s just a unique and special sort of person. When he started talking about college a lot and just having started his career two years ago, I started seeing flashing neon lights in my brain—“Cougar, Cougar, I am a Cougar!!”

It was funny that what attracted me to him in the first place at Speed Dating was his look of youthful innocence and attitude of openness/enthusiasm. He did not look like someone who’d been ripped up and spit out by life yet, like those of us who have been on the planet long enough to have had more of those experiences. Unfortunately, there may be only so much John and I can talk about. My gut tells me that he would just not be enough to entertain me and I may be too much for him—too experienced, just plain too old. He needs some nice, little girl in her early 20’s to feed him that pure sort of love.

You never know though. He has a sexy nose and maybe he uses it for close up (face) shots in a secret porn career on the side. Computer guru by day, porn star by night sort of deal. He wears glasses and looks all straight-laced when he comes over to fix the plumbing but THEN….

Why is it always the “plumbing” anyway?? Well, I suppose we know the answer to that but that’s not what this blog is about.

Or maybe he’s super into S&M or something–cuffs, whips, collars, the whole bit. He could have a quirky, freaky-deaky side that doesn’t show in casual dating. I doubt it (sigh) but that might be more interesting. It was nice to go out with a nice young man though. I feel like someone’s Old Maiden Aunt now. Hmmmmm, well I guess I’ll just rack it up to more of the dating experience.

Or maybe the problem with any real down and dirty chemistry (at least on this first date) was the fact that he didn’t seem to know quite what to say sometimes as well as the fact that we don’t seem to have any hobbies/interests in common, except for liking dogs and warm weather. (Could a relationship be built off of that if we became crazy dog show people, like on “Best of Show”?) It also reminds me of one of the stupidest car commercials ever that I saw years back hyping a car’s ability for dual climate control, when that used to be a big deal. It went something like this:

“He wears wool. She wears cotton. He likes such and such. She likes this and that. They never agree but with the new [insert name of car manufacturer/model] they can both be satisfied.”

It also laid it out on the line for us stupid viewers that women are always cold (maybe because she’s wearing freaking cotton and it’s Fall in New England, do you think??) and men are always warm (maybe because his feet are in a sweat bath in those wool socks while he’s pushing the accelerator pedal too fast. (We know he’s going too fast and not asking for directions because he’s a man and of course he’s in the driver’s seat, too.)

Why didn’t they just wrap them up in pink and blue respectively and sell us that gender stereotype?? Barf.

Anyway, my actual point is: John likes ping pong, I like to write. He likes chess, I like classic movies. He likes computers, I like art. Hey, we’re both bored by Math but not meat (as non-vegetarians), Lord above, hallelujah!!

On another topic, I seem to have an uncanny ability lately to sniff out guys who grew up in neighboring states to the state I grew up in, now that we all live far from that area. Statistically, that’s been half of my dates so far, this time with John and before with Lawrence. Weird. Maybe I need to diversify.

Well, he is a bit cute and I did have a good time talking to him—maybe we could be friends and he could teach me to not suck at ping pong.

Rating Him:

Face shape: it must have been non-descript because I don’t remember

Body: didn’t notice anything incredible or anything bad, it was cold so he had a lot of clothes on but he seems in shape and with youth on his side I’d give him an 8

Eyes: 3

Hair or lack thereof/Facial hair or lack thereof: 4

Voice: 6

Sexiness: 6

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 6.5

Fashion: 5

IT-ness (the IT factor, you either have IT or you don’t): 4

Deportment: 7

Charm: a boyish 7.5

Amiable: 10

Polite: 10 (concerned that I was freezing to death, so we went inside to continue our talk)

Interesting: 6.5

Kiss-o-meter: N/A

Rating Myself:

Face: 8

Body: 9 (image of such is improving with less eating and more walking)

Smell: 8.5

Fashion: 7.5

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8

Deportment: 9

Amiable: 10

Confidence: 10

Polite: 10

First Dates, Scarlett O'Casual

DATING EXPERIENCE 4: Trouble with Techies

NAME OF DATE: “DAMON”

ACTIVITY: LUNCH

VENUE: CHAIN RESTAURANT THAT IS NOT DEATHLY CHEAP

MY OUTFIT: GIRLY BLACK & WHITE PATTERNED THICK MATERIAL, NARROW LOW-NECK DRESS W/ STAND-OUT TANK SLEEVES & HIGH WAIST, LEGGINGS & THE FAMOUS KNEE-HIGH GRANNY BOOTS; BRIGHT PINK/TANGERINE SCARF/SHAWL; HAIR COMBED OVER AT FOREHEAD, SLIGHTLY WAVED/FLIPPED

AMOUNT OF TIME BEAUTIFYING: 45 MINS (I had no expectations due to my earlier anxieties but figured I should look decent and tried to dress up a little because I figured he was that kind of guy)

FOLLOW-UP DONE BY: N/A; has not happened yet, the date was today

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: YES

INTRO: Lots of gluten and conversation to chew on.

NARRATIVE: As of this moment, I am having trouble thinking because of a gluten-induced food coma from being dumb enough to eat at an Italian restaurant and not ask to go somewhere else where I could eat my usual hunter/gather-ish diet. However, the date itself was thought-stimulating, which is a good thing for someone like me who needs to be entertained.

Damon is entertaining, very techie/nerdy/smart, funny, and quirky/weird in a good way. We had an interesting conversation based on these things, except the techie aspect of his personality may be a bit overkill for me since I am a technical dinosaur and positively inept when it comes to the physics projects, games of strategy, video games and computer topics he was talking about. I wanted to call out in the restaurant, “I know I’m a nerd but you’ve got the wrong girl! I am the stupidest person you’ll ever meet–I have battles with touch screens because they don’t know I’m alive!” (Day in my life: touch the button on the screen, nothing happens; touch again, nothing happens; third time, nothing…I go into Cave Woman mode and start stabbing the screen.)

But then again, he had me laughing at his weird wit and sense of fun. I greatly enjoyed hearing from a fellow cerebral character about the myriad of ideas that his brain constantly pumps out. He’s also sarcastic and blunt (self-described). I can usually deal with blunt because I appreciate honesty and like to know what the other person thinks, even if it’s not fully pleasant. I want to be communicated with. I also enjoy sarcasm and making fun of people (in good humor) and situations, as does he.

Unfortunately, he has little physical appeal for me. I don’t like his round little dimpled chin, his almost apple-shaped round face and his dorky short-bangs oriented haircut. The judgments are just rolling out here. I should say though that he  has intelligent, kind of piercing brown eyes. And I did agree to go on a date with him in the first place because he has something interesting to say and is so smart that I respect him. I figured if nothing else, he could end up being a fun friend to hang out with.

He wore a really nice shirt, which is always impressive. But he went to church earlier today (I didn’t ask about that). Church-going itself is not necessarily a problem, it’s the religion that usually goes along with it (sometimes, not always). I don’t want any Gentle Readers to be offended here.

He has a good job, stability, and I suspect some money (especially with his fancy watch and talk of buying a new car and Good Golly, I think he may even have a house!) I hate, hate, hate being the typical female sniffing out a Provider but gee it sure was nice to have someone care enough about his impression on me to pay for lunch. He didn’t flaunt his money or job about either as dating currency.

He had initially asked me out on a longer date in which there would’ve been pool and drinks after lunch but I didn’t accept what with my anxiety problem. I also had a crap ton of stuff to do today and now am writing instead of getting it done. He was a little bit miffed, but still agreeable when we talked about it. I did at least feel that it was worth at least one more shot and would be fun to talk to him again so I brought up the idea of date #2 and we came up with some ideas.

My conclusion is that smart can be sexy, as I have always known but I also know that I need someone who is a bit less of a Tech and more of an Artist. This is tricky because the Artists I have been in relationships with either had deep-seated issues, a selfishness problem, or they broke my heart into millions of tiny pieces. At least with a Tech you know where you are. But, I think I may just get bored. Too bad.

The other thing I learned today is that I did the right thing. I feel self-affirmed to have gone out on another date after (probably) getting in too deep with Lawrence. I felt relaxed and enjoyed myself–it was very good to just talk and start all over casually getting to know someone and appreciate that person. I am not deliberately trying to make comparisons but it gave me some perspective on Lawrence to be sitting at that table across from someone else who is entirely different. Now I can be more objective in regards to him, see his strengths and faults more clearly and I hope, move forward more secure in however this whole deal turns out.

FYI, the hug is the new accepted urban greeting. Or maybe it’s been around forever and I just didn’t know it, not having been very urbane. The hug is also acceptable in lieu of a kiss that would be too awkward at the end of a first date.

Rating Him:

Face shape: 2.5

Body: 3

Eyes: 7

Hair or lack thereof/Facial hair or lack thereof: 2.5

Voice: 5

Sexiness: 3

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 2

Fashion: 9

IT-ness (the IT factor, you either have IT or you don’t): 5

Deportment: 10

Charm: 8 (sense of humor and politeness add a lot)

Amiable: 7

Polite: 10 (did everything right, including opening doors and paying for lunch smoothly, e-mail etiquette, offering a hand so I could get unpeeled from the restaurant booth)

Interesting: 8

Kiss-o-meter: N/A

Rating Myself:

Face: 8.5 (spent some time on makeup to make it successful)

Body: 8.5 (feeling  better about body image from eating less, working out more & being overall a little slimmer)

Smell: 8.5 (it was cold today & no problems with sweating, I also used perfume)

Fashion: 7.5 (I looked cute but he was sophisticated and I was possibly too young-retro)

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8.5

Deportment: 8.5

Amiable: 9 (I laughed a lot and was generally nice to be around)

Confidence: 8.5

Polite: 5 (I lost big points, at least with myself for not responding to his e-mails trying to set up the date and I neglected to take the hand he offered to help me up from the booth)

Uncategorized

Anxiety

Great, it’s time for Anxiety! So, I’ve been pretty much wrapped up in Lawrence all week but like I said on the last post, I’ve decided to go ahead with the Experiment and continue dating. A few days ago, L and I sat down for a talk and he said he had something to tell me and I said I had something to tell him as well. The timing seemed synchronous but the content was not. He asked if I would be his girlfriend and I had to tell him that I felt like I still needed to date as a Self-Improvement Project. This was not a super fun conversation, obviously. What was even less fun was the conversation I had with him today in which he was pulling away from me and unhappy because I am going on a date today and he knows it.

I am leaving for said date in 10 minutes and I am freaked out now because of the above situation. Plus, I didn’t e-mail back my date for today (from Speed Dating) in a timely manner (being anxious about L) so now I have not heard from him and may be stood up! Well, I’ll chalk it up to experience and I have a plan to go grocery shopping instead in that neighborhood if I don’t see him at the restaurant. I am not paying for a lunch for myself today!

I just feel like things are back firing on me. I want L to be more affectionate (is this a problem that he is not as much as I want him to be?) and here I am dropping a bomb in his lap which is only apt to make him less affectionate.

Augh!!!

 

Scarlett O'Casual

Kick in the Pants

Today I got a much-needed Scarlett O’Casual kick in the pants. Talked to Cassie about my Lawrence “problem.” How already so early in the Experiment I am heading dangerously close to the over-commitment thing. The past few days I have been intensely considering being exclusive with Lawrence rather than continuing to date many people. (My problem is often that I am too intense. Could I just get that lobotomy now, please?)

Luckily for me, Cassie advised me at the critical juncture that was today that I really need to date more before ending the Experiment. Even though I temporarily felt like a dating guru, she pointed out the simple and undeniable fact that I still have more to learn. I told her how much I like Lawrence and how I want him to trust me but how can he if I tell him I’m dating a bunch of people? C pointed out that if he really is the right person for me, he will wait and “allow” me to do just what I feel I need to do.

I am developing pretty natural feelings of potential jealousy and possessiveness toward L, albeit feelings that could sour quickly if they go too far. I just would hate to hear him tell me that he is getting physical in any way with anyone else. I hate myself for this–it makes me feel ugly and out of control. I’m writing about it because I have to be honest, it’s part of the process. And I can be honest with him, too.

The best thing C told me today was that I need to practice dealing with the discomfort caused by already feeling strongly toward  L while simultaneously dating other people. It’s the dealing with the discomfort part that’s so important–this is the process that will allow for real personal growth and give me the opportunity to overcome my over-commitment/impulsively getting together with someone problem. I didn’t necessarily enjoy this kick in the pants but I’m glad I got it. Objective perspective wins over my own  confused subjectivity, the same thing that happens over and over as we rely on friends to get us through.

And I do feel better. Over the past few days, I had 1)built it up in my mind to believe that I had to make a huge decision between Lawrence and dating (which is false) and 2)gotten all knotted up about it. Now I feel a bit better. I know there’s going to be more discomfort over the coming months–BRING IT.

I have now re-committed to the Dating Experiment by answering e-mails from the Speed Date guys (four so far) saying I will go on a date with them. So, more fab dating descriptions to come. Wish me luck.

 

 

 

Scarlett O'Casual

Vampires, Dolly Parton & Dating

Today I was reading The Complete Vampire Companion: Legend and Lore of the Living Dead, which I checked out from the library.  (I have a weakness for most things vampire, so when I see the book on the shelf I grab it and try to suck the life out of it.) I started to think of how dating could be compared to vampirism. Survival of the fittest: find someone healthy, chase them down and then basically take the vitality out of them, which can be quick or slow.  Oh wait, is that the cynical me talking?

Or maybe my thoughts are just whirling around the Speed Dating. Got back the results today–10 guys I matched with out of the nearly 20 I picked. At first I felt just a little bit rejected, then got over it, especially since I realized that I don’t even remember half the people I met. (May be time to start a gingko biloba regiment.) And I realized that the whole thing is kind of silly. First off, I like Lawrence and I want to keep seeing him, even though it is not the Plan to get too exclusive with anyone. Secondly, how can you really get to know people that fast without stupid snap judgments–it seems that you might just pick all the wrong people or the right people might not pick you. I was surprised to be passed over by two of the guys who I thought liked me and equally surprised to be picked by one guy who I thought had very little interest in me.

Maybe I am just nuts. I guess this is the part of the process where I start questioning everything I am doing.

Right now I am listening to Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” on Pandora and I remembered a useful saying I learned from Sloane Crossley (awesome!!) today in How Did You Get This Number: “What would Dolly do?” I like it. I think that may be a dating slogan for me going forward. Because even though Crossley unfortunately ended up with a complete Dickhead, with a capital “D” after she asked herself this question, I think it’s good to have a guiding light of a female role model like Dolly P. She would hold her head up high, she would be authentic (even in spite of all the makeup and hair!), and she would never, ever forget who she is–her  Selfhood. (In spite of being called “One of the purdiest singin’-est, song-writin’-est lil’ blon’ s in country music” (see “Jolene“) — is this guy for real??)

Anyway, I ended up being matched with some interesting guys, I think (at least the ones I can remember). There are at least four nerds and possibly a couple of lookers. The lists of names is like a little present that comes in the mail and I’m enjoying going over each person’s name, thinking of etymologies. Unfortunately, there is one guy who had such bad hand-writing that the group organizer couldn’t read it and so as far as I know, we can’t be put in contact with one another for this reason. I feel like I’ve been cut off by the Hand of Fate. And he was one of the people I was most interested in talking to later, as we had a great (albeit brief) talk on religion.

Well, that pretty much wraps up my crazy brain’s expression for tonight!

Cassandra Chick-Lit

Men are from Mars….

Apparently the divide between men and women is almost insurmountable even when it’s between friends. One of my male friends and I have discussed the possibility of us dating. We said we were going to and then we didn’t, but we stayed friends, friends who sometimes kiss, but are more than friends with benefits. Yes, I know everyone thinks it’s more than that but this really is. We are able to go out and enjoy dinner or movies or other social activities and not always get physical afterwards. We still talk about dating and we talk about only being friends and eliminating the physical stuff, we talk about everything. The bottom line is that we like each other and are attracted to each other so I don’t see anything wrong with acting on that when we both agree to it.

There are a lot of complicated reasons he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now that I can’t get into here, but he takes the time to talk about it with me. He feels like he isn’t ready and I won’t push him because if we are meant to be, we will be, when we are both ready for it. He knows I’m not waiting around for him. Again, if we are ever going to have a shot we both have to want it and be ready for it at the same time and if I hold out for him I may end up resenting him if he doesn’t conform to my timeline.

So anyway, normally when we text he responds either right away or within a few hours. There have been times in the past when he wasn’t responding about making plans but that hasn’t happened in a long time. Recently though I didn’t get a response to multiple text messages over a span of a few days. One missed text message is one thing, maybe he was busy, or it was late and he was asleep, but several missed messages and phone calls makes me crazy. My abandonment issues kick in and I start to freak out. Then I go back and forth between being worried and being upset that the other person can’t even respond to tell me they’re busy. This is where the difference between men and women come in. Women will write back and say that but men, men often just wait until they’re not busy and don’t get why women are upset by then.

He finally responded after I sent him (what felt like) a million more Facebook messages. Of course, he thought I was being overdramatic. I told him I just worry. Turns out he had sick relatives so my worry was not unfounded. Ugh, why couldn’t he just tell me that?? He of course, still doesn’t get why I was so worried. I am mad at him but want nothing more than to see him and talk to him and hug him. This probably means I need to not see him for a bit.

First Dates

DATING EXPERIENCE 3: It was hot and then it was hotter

NAME OF DATE: “LAWRENCE”

ACTIVITY: COFFEE TURNED MUSEUM/WALK TURNED SHOPPING TURNED YOGA

VENUES: OUTDOOR/INDOOR COFFEE SHOP, INDOOR/OUTDOOR MUSEUM, STORE, HIS PLACE

MY OUTFIT: BLACK & WHITE PATTERNED STRAPPY 80’S-ISH TANK VERY LOW-CUT WITH ANOTHER LOW-ISH CUT TANK UNDERNEATH, JEANS, HAIR COMBED BACK A LITTLE ON SIDES; CUTE RED PLATFORM SANDLES (low-cut & red sandals win again!)

AMOUNT OF TIME BEAUTIFYING: 30-45 MINS (although I was very excited to go out with Lawrence, I worked out in the morning thinking of his fit-ness and how he seemed more of a Nature Boy, and also had less time period; was also tired of my period by this time)

FOLLOW-UP DONE BY: ME (I asked him on the coffee date we had planned via text sent 4 days later); HIM (after the coffee date, he contacted me the next night via text)

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: YES

NARRATIVE: I met Lawrence a week earlier when I went to an event to sample varieties of tea. When I walked in the door of the coffee/tea shop and scanned over the faces of the participants sitting at the table together, one face stood out. A nice-looking chap at the back of the table. I think we’ve lost something by giving up Phrenology, which was popular 150-300 years ago. This guy was the perfect specimen. He had the effect of a large head (balanced by the fact that he was tall and just large enough of a person overall, while not in the least fat).

The shape of the entire face gave off a very noble effect. Large, beautiful blue-green eyes with an intelligent look; quite tall with the proper shoulders to support the head and go with the body and a long-ish well-shaped nose. A little nerdy looking and fairly nerdy talking. My God, I am a sucker for these types.

After the event, we both ended up coincidentally in a store nearby and picked up the conversation again a couple times. I then joked that I was following him out of the store when we even ended up leaving at the same time. Due to the serendipitous timing, we were able to walk down the street together to my car. He mentioned he was going to go on a run. Attractive—in shape!! Then he asked me out for coffee and we exchanged numbers. He seemed quiet, introverted and slightly nervous, versus his personality when we were in the group. It was kind of cute.

Onto the actual date: A gentleman, he tried to pay for my stuff. He helped me cross the stones at the creek. He not only volunteered to go shopping but carried my shit to the car.

Part of the attraction, beyond his nearly perfect phrenology, is his calmness and a quality that I would call centeredness. He seems to have an imperturbable center within himself, which in turn creates a certain quiet confidence.

First, there was coffee. He seemed a little more interested in listening over talking (which is always refreshing!) but there was also a pretty even interchange.

I thought we would just have coffee; I couldn’t exactly gauge his reaction to how well the date was going. He is a little hard to read in some way. But then on his suggestion, we went to a historic house/museum and walking trail. Touring the house and trail added a romantic atmosphere to the conversation and we warmed up toward each other.

Then, shopping to get it over with so we could continue hanging out. Then we went to his place. More talking and watched some TV. At some point there may’ve been kissing (allegedly). We also ate dinner and did yoga. His Yoga-ness and the way he looked in those basketball shorts was hot—a guy with great calves is a gift to the world. Further hotness when I noticed even more the beauty of his eyes. The intensity of one color circled by a darker color—whew!!

So what the hell am I doing, is this Scarlett O’Casual caught in the trap of lust?? Let’s just say it was a very, very good date. I liked getting re-introduced to my own sensuality, it’s been a long time.

Rating Him:

Face shape: 9.5 (yipes!)

Body: 8.5

Eyes: 9.5 (can I just say I’m melting?)

Hair or lack thereof/Facial hair or lack thereof: 7

Voice: 7.5

Smell: 8.5 (I couldn’t really smell him but that’s a lot better than smelling something I don’t want to)

Sexiness: 8.5

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 9

Fashion: 7.5

IT-ness (the IT factor, you either have IT or you don’t): 8

Deportment: 9

Charm: 8.5 (sense of humor adds a lot)

Amiable: 10

Polite: 10

Interesting: 8.5

Kiss-o-meter: 7.5

Rating Myself:

Face: 8.5 (looked kinda natural and glowing, I thought, but makeup a little smudged at the end)

Body: 8.5 (period, ugh but was getting through it; felt skinnier than I had in a while)

Smell: 7.5 (I was kinda sweaty on the trail)

Fashion: 8.5 (I like the shirt and I rocked the shoes)

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8

Deportment: 9

Amiable: 8 (I was stand-offish in the coffee line)

Confidence: 7.5

Polite: 9

Cassandra Chick-Lit

Speed dating part deux

I went speed dating again yesterday. I went to an event run by the same company last month and it was entertaining enough. It could have been run a little better as it was a bit disorganized but it was relatively cheap as far as these types of events go. At the other event I think I met 26 men and this time there were about the same number if not 1 or 2 less. In my opinion, this is a few too many people. I have been to other events with 10-12 people and in those cases your odds aren’t as good but by the end of meeting 25+ people you can be rather exhausted, so that may due something to your odds as well.

Last time I put down 14 of the men but I only received one mutual match. I wasn’t especially attracted to him but we had some things in common and I was trying to be open-minded. He never contacted me and I never contacted him so that’s that. This time I tried changing up my outfit a little bit and wore a dress, one with birdcages that makes me feel feminine and flirty. We’ll see if I get more matches this time.

First Dates

DATING EXPERIENCE 2: Speed-dating: is it dating or is it crack?

NAME OF GUY: MET 24 GUYS

ACTIVITY: SPEED DATING: 3-4 MINUTES TALKING TO EACH GUY

VENUE: INDOOR DOWNTOWN BAR, AFTERNOON

MY OUTFIT: BLACK TANK W/ GOLD SPARKLE DESIGN WITH VELVET JACKET; JEANS; BOB COMBED FORWARD, HAIR NEWLY CUT UP TO TOP OF NECK IN BACK; CUTE RED PLATFORM SANDALS (decided NOT to wear a low cut top to see if it would generate less interest and I think I was somewhat right; wore jeans because I was having my period and was bloated) (a guy on the street noticed my strut and my cute shoes—I know this because he said “Hey, how are you?”—he wasn’t creepy and he wasn’t too hard on the eyes, I almost decided to go on a date with him instead)

AMOUNT OF TIME BEAUTIFYING: 1-1 1/2 HOUR/S

FOLLOW-UP DONE BY: RECEIVE E-MAIL WITH CONTACT INFO OF THE GUYS WHO PUT ME ON THEIR INTERESTED LIST; IF I PUT THEM ON MY LIST, THEY WILL GET MY CONTACT INFO—STILL WAITING FOR THE E-MAIL

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: YES, TENTATIVELY TO SCHEDULE A DATE WITH ANYONE WHO IS MUTUALLY INTERESTED

NARRATIVE: Well, this experience felt like taking crack–although I’ve never done this–it seems like it would be frenetic. How do you judge a guy based on 3-4 minutes? It turned out to be fun, even though I was irritated and bloated beforehand and didn’t particularly feel like going, I paid over $20 + parking so dammit, I was going! I learned something very interesting: presentation is crucial.

For example:

1) Almost every guy asked me what I do for a living. I decided to understate the importance of it, if anything, rather than make it sound like a more important job than it really is. Result: most of the guys seemed pretty unimpressed. Question: does this mean they are looking for a Sugar Mamas?

2) I was un-attracted to one guy’s high voice but he has a dog and seemed nice so I decided to add him to the list. (It’s all about what you say and your attitude.)

3) There were two guys who seemed a bit tired, pessimistic and disinterested. I had no interest in dating them regardless of any other qualities they may’ve had.

Who went on my list? Hotties, nerds, and guys who captivated me with a single detail—like the dog example, also a conversation about spirituality, and a guy who loves classic films.

It will be interesting to see who picks me and if I remember who the hell they are after the crack whore experience. Will it be the drunk guy who looks like Gilligan? I am curious to see  if the people I thought I liked really are the ones I like. I also could potentially have almost 20 new dates!

First Dates

DATING EXPERIENCE 1: Valentine’s Day

NAME OF DATE: “RICK”

ACTIVITY: SINGLES’ GROUP VALENTINE’S PARTY FOR PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LOVE VALENTINE’S DAY

VENUE: OUTDOOR/INDOOR CASUAL DOWNTOWN BAR

MY OUTFIT: BLACK & WHITE PATTERNED LOW-CUT, KNEE-LENGTH STRAPPY DRESS WITH VELVET JACKET & KNEE-HIGH GRANNY BOOTS; HAIR SLIGHTLY FLUFFED ON SIDES

AMOUNT OF TIME BEAUTIFYING: 1-1 1/2 HOUR/S

FOLLOW-UP DONE BY: HIM, NEXT MORNING VIA TEXT/PHONE CALL IN AFTERNOON

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: YES, WE SAID WE WOULD ABOUT 2 WEEKS AFTER 1ST DATE

INTRO: It seems fitting that Rick is Date #1—he would want to be. The question is, is this because of Short Man’s Syndrome or real confidence? Or both?

NARRATIVE: I arrived at this casual outdoor/indoor bar, such a typical example of this common venue in my City. A tall, old wooden fence surrounding the outdoor area, with rustic benches and tables contained alongside it. Inside, a DJ and a badly proportioned room that is too small for the crowd.

My first goal on arrival was food: protein to feed this beast. So I fought my way up to the bar to order and was standing by a guy who on first glance looked like Jemaine Clement (HOT!!) from Flight of the Concords but later did NOT look like him. (If it had been JC, I would’ve married him on the spot—if he’d have me—and forgotten this whole dating shenanigan of an experiment.) JC-NOT-look-alike politely let me order first as I had been standing there a few seconds before him. In response, I made the faux pas of saying I was there a little bit before him and making a weird measuring gesture with my finger. I think he thought I was being sarcastic, although I wasn’t. Oops, one mistake already and I had been there all of five minutes. The best things about this interaction were that 1)I dipped my toe in the water and had at least spoken to a member of the male species 2)since he turned out to be a poorly dressed schmuck with a dorky backpack and not like JC, I didn’t feel too sad about not getting to talk to him again. (Ah, the judgment comes out so soon! But if I’m going to do this blog, it’s got to be honest observation. And don’t worry Gentle Reader, I will be ever so harsh on myself later as well.

After this transitional Faux Pas Point, I was now ready to find a place (somewhere else) to go. Scouting out the bar I had an inner monologue moment: “Not a lot of options—inside, outside, hmmmmmm. Try not to look like a lonely dweeb. Remember, everyone here is probably a lonely dweeb—after all we are single at a non-Valentine’s Valentine party.” Were we all Barbie & Ken, we’d be driving through the dusk in the pink Corvette to make mad passionate love in the penthouse ‘til at least 2 A.M. And the perk the next morning would be waking up with peppermint breath and perfect makeup.

So at this point, I decide to walk around and scout where to Be, to exist unobtrusively. “Nope, still the same scene. Still alone, dang.” Noticing everyone as a Potential. Make notes of how attractive/non-creepy each individual is. Then, try not to think this because it only adds to my feeling of social awkwardness. “Should’ve stayed home and watched Netflix this weekend for the 64th time running!” Anxiety. “Ok, calm down.” Talk my brain down from the jump off the balcony—go on auto pilot. Pick a table outside, sit, wait for food. Pretend to be nonchalant, watch people enter from sidewalk.

Enter: Rick. Shiny bald head, he’s short but looks fairly built, wearing jeans, button-up black shirt. Eye contact. He asks me a question about the event, I answer. He smiles, walks inside.

Again, alone and awkward, I get my food, thank God! Start snarfing and Rick comes back and asks if he can sit with me. Double relief. I’m flattered.

Next words out of his mouth are about his career/job. It’s a perfect funny moment to me as I realize this is just like in The Science of Sex Appeal which I watched as a dating-prep movie the day before. It is apparently important to the majority of men to give a potential mate their career information because of the biological drive to show themselves as capable providers. And maybe it’s working just a little on me as I check out his capable, strong looking forearms protruding from the black sleeves and his tough-looking tattoos. For all of his 5’7” build (he says he is 5’8”), he has a strong jaw and a great 5 o’clock shadow. And that bald, tough guy thing! Whew. Sadly, I think of Jean-Luc Picard, a.k.a. Patrick Stewart (God, I am such a nerd!) Someone once told me that women like his head because it looks like a large penis tip. (Read into this what you will but go easy on me, please.)

So, Rick and I end up talking, a lot. Luckily, in the five hours we spend together, the conversation was a pretty good interchange. We found out that we have weird personality quirks in common—like an affinity for cleanliness, over-organization and minimalism.

We spent the entire Event together except for a few interruptions. The longer the night went on the more drinks he kept going back for (eek!) and a couple guys stepped up to talk to me. I felt conflicted between wanting to mingle and act open and ready to talk to other people and trying to be polite to Rick, plus having a desire to be exclusive with him. I let my urge for exclusivity take over because I was enjoying his company and because I suppose it was easier than getting rid of him or introducing myself to new people all over. It’s also difficult to tear yourself away from someone when you have immediate chemistry and are having fun with them. And what is the first date supposed to be if not fun?? It may be good to practice letting something unfold with someone a bit on a date and then pulling back and playing the field again the next time up. There are obviously different angles to examine in this learning process. My self-analysis for this week includes fully acknowledging that I have consistently had a problem pulling back and establishing boundaries I am comfortable with when a guy shows more interest in me than I am ready to return. I am also aware that this may be the point at which my problem begins—why I end up in a relationship wherein the other person is in love and I am not. These are inevitably committed relationships, so usually stay with the person for a year or more and then cut and run. On some level, I am ok with playing a part, as much as I hate to admit it. It took me a long time to own that responsibility; for one thing there are so many things one can blame a bad relationship on that have to do with the other person. I also hate to admit this actor-like quality in myself because when it comes to breaking hearts, it becomes despicable. I am soft-hearted enough to hate hurting someone in the short-term, so much so that I become a coward and won’t get out of the relationship, even though I know it is all wrong. Then, when it’s time to finally let go of my frustration—and consequently Mr. Wrong—I am frustrated and hard-hearted enough to go through with it. So this dating experiment and blog is all about not falling into this trap again.

I want to know why I put so much pressure on myself to return an equal amount of interest in a guy that I don’t necessarily feel. Partly out of cowardice but also partly out of insecurity? A fear of rejection if I don’t return the interest and then he turns away and rejects me? An urge to be so nice that everyone will always like me? Maybe. This is something that will require more thought as the experiment continues.

Back to Rick. So, I felt apprehensive when he asked me what my plans were over the next couple days. I immediately felt the urge for more space. The flip side to this is that I was already charmed by his looks and sense of humor and knew I wanted to continue getting to know him. Plus, there is a definite rush of flattery when someone texts you “good morning” the next day and then calls later and asks you to go on a hike with he and his friend. (Hope they are not freaky-deaky axe murderers!) I was relieved, however, by the fact that I was unable to go due to time constraints, what with my need for space. We decided to get together again when he moves here in about two weeks. Now I am realizing that maybe I’m just a Commitment-Phobe hiding in an Over-Committers clothing, which is confusing.

The conclusion of the date was the bar gradually emptying out and Rick getting more interested in talking to a group of girls whose dance skills he was impressed by. I had no one to talk to and felt kind of punished for not wanting to dance due to self-consciousness.

A little later, when I got tired, he walked me back to my car and I gave him a ride back to the bar. I felt that in talking and being silly jumping on some weird fake turf on the sidewalk that we re-connected a bit. Dropping him off in front of the bar was a pragmatic operation involving a narrow street with nowhere to park. We shook hands, which felt a little weird, but hugging or kissing would’ve felt awkward under the circumstances.

Overall, I’d say it was a good introduction to the experiment—had some fun and got a little dolled up. Met someone I had some chemistry with and got a dose of some pitfalls (anticipated or not). Just getting out and getting started is a huge positive.

Rating Him:

Face shape: 8

Body: 6.5

Eyes: 6

Hair or lack thereof/Facial hair or lack thereof: 9

Voice: 9 (great phone voice)

Sexiness: 7.5

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8

Fashion: 9.5

IT-ness (the IT factor, you either have IT or you don’t): 9

Deportment: 10

Charm: 9 (sense of humor adds a lot)

Amiable: 7

Polite: 7 (got me water, lost points talking to the girls w/o including me in the conversation)

Interesting: 7

Kiss-o-meter: N/A 

Rating Myself:

Face: 8 (makeup started out great, smudged by end of night)

Body: 7.5 (dress was loose around waist, felt a little overweight & thick around the middle)

Smell: 8.5 (I was not sweaty & did not stink)

Fashion: 6 (see Body)

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8 (the most effective part of my outfit was apparently the low-cut top, caught Rick checking out the girls)

Deportment: 9 (I carried myself well)

Amiable: 7 (I lost points for not jumping in to dance)

Confidence: 6

Polite: 10