First Dates

DATING EXPERIENCE 1: Valentine’s Day

NAME OF DATE: “RICK”

ACTIVITY: SINGLES’ GROUP VALENTINE’S PARTY FOR PEOPLE WHO DO NOT LOVE VALENTINE’S DAY

VENUE: OUTDOOR/INDOOR CASUAL DOWNTOWN BAR

MY OUTFIT: BLACK & WHITE PATTERNED LOW-CUT, KNEE-LENGTH STRAPPY DRESS WITH VELVET JACKET & KNEE-HIGH GRANNY BOOTS; HAIR SLIGHTLY FLUFFED ON SIDES

AMOUNT OF TIME BEAUTIFYING: 1-1 1/2 HOUR/S

FOLLOW-UP DONE BY: HIM, NEXT MORNING VIA TEXT/PHONE CALL IN AFTERNOON

WILL I GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: YES, WE SAID WE WOULD ABOUT 2 WEEKS AFTER 1ST DATE

INTRO: It seems fitting that Rick is Date #1—he would want to be. The question is, is this because of Short Man’s Syndrome or real confidence? Or both?

NARRATIVE: I arrived at this casual outdoor/indoor bar, such a typical example of this common venue in my City. A tall, old wooden fence surrounding the outdoor area, with rustic benches and tables contained alongside it. Inside, a DJ and a badly proportioned room that is too small for the crowd.

My first goal on arrival was food: protein to feed this beast. So I fought my way up to the bar to order and was standing by a guy who on first glance looked like Jemaine Clement (HOT!!) from Flight of the Concords but later did NOT look like him. (If it had been JC, I would’ve married him on the spot—if he’d have me—and forgotten this whole dating shenanigan of an experiment.) JC-NOT-look-alike politely let me order first as I had been standing there a few seconds before him. In response, I made the faux pas of saying I was there a little bit before him and making a weird measuring gesture with my finger. I think he thought I was being sarcastic, although I wasn’t. Oops, one mistake already and I had been there all of five minutes. The best things about this interaction were that 1)I dipped my toe in the water and had at least spoken to a member of the male species 2)since he turned out to be a poorly dressed schmuck with a dorky backpack and not like JC, I didn’t feel too sad about not getting to talk to him again. (Ah, the judgment comes out so soon! But if I’m going to do this blog, it’s got to be honest observation. And don’t worry Gentle Reader, I will be ever so harsh on myself later as well.

After this transitional Faux Pas Point, I was now ready to find a place (somewhere else) to go. Scouting out the bar I had an inner monologue moment: “Not a lot of options—inside, outside, hmmmmmm. Try not to look like a lonely dweeb. Remember, everyone here is probably a lonely dweeb—after all we are single at a non-Valentine’s Valentine party.” Were we all Barbie & Ken, we’d be driving through the dusk in the pink Corvette to make mad passionate love in the penthouse ‘til at least 2 A.M. And the perk the next morning would be waking up with peppermint breath and perfect makeup.

So at this point, I decide to walk around and scout where to Be, to exist unobtrusively. “Nope, still the same scene. Still alone, dang.” Noticing everyone as a Potential. Make notes of how attractive/non-creepy each individual is. Then, try not to think this because it only adds to my feeling of social awkwardness. “Should’ve stayed home and watched Netflix this weekend for the 64th time running!” Anxiety. “Ok, calm down.” Talk my brain down from the jump off the balcony—go on auto pilot. Pick a table outside, sit, wait for food. Pretend to be nonchalant, watch people enter from sidewalk.

Enter: Rick. Shiny bald head, he’s short but looks fairly built, wearing jeans, button-up black shirt. Eye contact. He asks me a question about the event, I answer. He smiles, walks inside.

Again, alone and awkward, I get my food, thank God! Start snarfing and Rick comes back and asks if he can sit with me. Double relief. I’m flattered.

Next words out of his mouth are about his career/job. It’s a perfect funny moment to me as I realize this is just like in The Science of Sex Appeal which I watched as a dating-prep movie the day before. It is apparently important to the majority of men to give a potential mate their career information because of the biological drive to show themselves as capable providers. And maybe it’s working just a little on me as I check out his capable, strong looking forearms protruding from the black sleeves and his tough-looking tattoos. For all of his 5’7” build (he says he is 5’8”), he has a strong jaw and a great 5 o’clock shadow. And that bald, tough guy thing! Whew. Sadly, I think of Jean-Luc Picard, a.k.a. Patrick Stewart (God, I am such a nerd!) Someone once told me that women like his head because it looks like a large penis tip. (Read into this what you will but go easy on me, please.)

So, Rick and I end up talking, a lot. Luckily, in the five hours we spend together, the conversation was a pretty good interchange. We found out that we have weird personality quirks in common—like an affinity for cleanliness, over-organization and minimalism.

We spent the entire Event together except for a few interruptions. The longer the night went on the more drinks he kept going back for (eek!) and a couple guys stepped up to talk to me. I felt conflicted between wanting to mingle and act open and ready to talk to other people and trying to be polite to Rick, plus having a desire to be exclusive with him. I let my urge for exclusivity take over because I was enjoying his company and because I suppose it was easier than getting rid of him or introducing myself to new people all over. It’s also difficult to tear yourself away from someone when you have immediate chemistry and are having fun with them. And what is the first date supposed to be if not fun?? It may be good to practice letting something unfold with someone a bit on a date and then pulling back and playing the field again the next time up. There are obviously different angles to examine in this learning process. My self-analysis for this week includes fully acknowledging that I have consistently had a problem pulling back and establishing boundaries I am comfortable with when a guy shows more interest in me than I am ready to return. I am also aware that this may be the point at which my problem begins—why I end up in a relationship wherein the other person is in love and I am not. These are inevitably committed relationships, so usually stay with the person for a year or more and then cut and run. On some level, I am ok with playing a part, as much as I hate to admit it. It took me a long time to own that responsibility; for one thing there are so many things one can blame a bad relationship on that have to do with the other person. I also hate to admit this actor-like quality in myself because when it comes to breaking hearts, it becomes despicable. I am soft-hearted enough to hate hurting someone in the short-term, so much so that I become a coward and won’t get out of the relationship, even though I know it is all wrong. Then, when it’s time to finally let go of my frustration—and consequently Mr. Wrong—I am frustrated and hard-hearted enough to go through with it. So this dating experiment and blog is all about not falling into this trap again.

I want to know why I put so much pressure on myself to return an equal amount of interest in a guy that I don’t necessarily feel. Partly out of cowardice but also partly out of insecurity? A fear of rejection if I don’t return the interest and then he turns away and rejects me? An urge to be so nice that everyone will always like me? Maybe. This is something that will require more thought as the experiment continues.

Back to Rick. So, I felt apprehensive when he asked me what my plans were over the next couple days. I immediately felt the urge for more space. The flip side to this is that I was already charmed by his looks and sense of humor and knew I wanted to continue getting to know him. Plus, there is a definite rush of flattery when someone texts you “good morning” the next day and then calls later and asks you to go on a hike with he and his friend. (Hope they are not freaky-deaky axe murderers!) I was relieved, however, by the fact that I was unable to go due to time constraints, what with my need for space. We decided to get together again when he moves here in about two weeks. Now I am realizing that maybe I’m just a Commitment-Phobe hiding in an Over-Committers clothing, which is confusing.

The conclusion of the date was the bar gradually emptying out and Rick getting more interested in talking to a group of girls whose dance skills he was impressed by. I had no one to talk to and felt kind of punished for not wanting to dance due to self-consciousness.

A little later, when I got tired, he walked me back to my car and I gave him a ride back to the bar. I felt that in talking and being silly jumping on some weird fake turf on the sidewalk that we re-connected a bit. Dropping him off in front of the bar was a pragmatic operation involving a narrow street with nowhere to park. We shook hands, which felt a little weird, but hugging or kissing would’ve felt awkward under the circumstances.

Overall, I’d say it was a good introduction to the experiment—had some fun and got a little dolled up. Met someone I had some chemistry with and got a dose of some pitfalls (anticipated or not). Just getting out and getting started is a huge positive.

Rating Him:

Face shape: 8

Body: 6.5

Eyes: 6

Hair or lack thereof/Facial hair or lack thereof: 9

Voice: 9 (great phone voice)

Sexiness: 7.5

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8

Fashion: 9.5

IT-ness (the IT factor, you either have IT or you don’t): 9

Deportment: 10

Charm: 9 (sense of humor adds a lot)

Amiable: 7

Polite: 7 (got me water, lost points talking to the girls w/o including me in the conversation)

Interesting: 7

Kiss-o-meter: N/A 

Rating Myself:

Face: 8 (makeup started out great, smudged by end of night)

Body: 7.5 (dress was loose around waist, felt a little overweight & thick around the middle)

Smell: 8.5 (I was not sweaty & did not stink)

Fashion: 6 (see Body)

Overall Physical Attractiveness: 8 (the most effective part of my outfit was apparently the low-cut top, caught Rick checking out the girls)

Deportment: 9 (I carried myself well)

Amiable: 7 (I lost points for not jumping in to dance)

Confidence: 6

Polite: 10

Scarlett O'Casual

Shredded by the Ghost: A Look Back Before Going Forward

A void where love was, after waking up from the dream.

Love was all-consuming that year and even trickled down into a consistent ache for five long years after that. And then, a void.

He stayed in my mind, the ghost following behind me, the vapor in my brain. Like Sherman Alexie says in The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fist Fight in Heaven:

“There are things you should learn. Your past is a skeleton walking one step behind you, and your future is a skeleton walking one step in front of you. Maybe you don’t wear a watch, but your skeletons do, and they always know what time it is.”

Alexie understands love as well as any writer I have ever read. And love really does relate to horror stories. But while a good horror story usually climaxes and then ends in a grand release of suspense providing satisfactory resolve, my worn love affair left me, at the end of five years, finally out of love–“over him”–but void.

The passion and tragedy of unrequited love had shredded me for all that time. When I finally saw him again, I thought the love had miraculously returned to its earlier reciprocating form. Instead, I found a real man completely detached, just spewing romantic words without meaning any of it.

“How do you talk to the real person whose ghost has haunted you? How do you tell the difference  between the two?” (Ibid)

I finally figured out that, to this old lover of mine, only his art meant something to him, or at least it was the only lover he would ever allow himself to embrace. His embraces for me at this point were lip service only, like his words–he could no longer truly give himself to another human being.

I tell myself it’s a good thing that I came to the realization that I had only been in love with a dream for those five years. The real man in front of me was not that dream, could not be that dream. There was vast disappointment mixed in with some relief at falling out of love due to this discovery. It’s very easy to say that I had been utterly stupid and naïve. But when I remember exactly how much in love I felt at one time–I mean really allow myself to relate to it for a moment–I know that it was as real as it may ever be for me. It was a milestone, a completely absorbing passion.

So now, after almost exactly eight years to the day I met him, there’s just me, alone. A more mature and whole person, less naïve. I’ve learned a lot going through the rock-bottom sensation of hurt. First in losing him, then the constancy of loving him in his absence–the Ghost, the Dream–and then the short attempt at revival of old feelings, ending in disappointment. And after that, processing how to feel as just myself, not an in-love person anymore and how not to be vulnerable for anyone for the last year plus.

It’s not like I think about it every day now. The past is the past, even though it’s a skeleton. But I guess I have to admit, maybe that kind of love and disappointment is never really pushed out of one’s mind and heart until there is a replacement. An older, wiser me upcoming to tackle that? Can I find a replacement love? A love of all time to blow my mind? And do it the right way this time? Maybe this blog is a start.

But here I go, always ahead of myself and maybe that’s why I fall in love hard and easily almost every time. Why I have had the opposite of a commitment issue. But I’ve been so good in the last year–I’ve stayed single. It’s forever since I’ve managed that. On the other hand, loneliness is starting to creep in from a hermit-like existence. That’s part of what brought me to this point–to learn to date, and not only that but to learn to do it casually. No commitment, no ties, no drama, just fun and getting to know people. For me, an experiment, a test for myself to do what does not come naturally and test the hypothesis that I do have the capability to do it and learn from it.

With this frame of reference, the experiment will be structured–approximately one first date a week. Exposure to one member of the male species at one time for a short time. For coffee, conversation, and other such date-like activities. I may even learn something from the activities themselves–like extreme knitting or something. (Ouch–carpal tunnel!)

Small talk has always been such a bore, unless I am concentrating on something else, like the sculptured look of someone’s nose. So if I can at least pull off small talk, while processing either my own random thoughts or anxieties, I feel it will be a success. I think part of this will be in learning even more how to be ok with myself, as I am. That is, myself interacting with others, without having to please them. Being an over-pleaser and a bit of an enabler may be one reason why I leap into committed relationships before I look.

Let’s hope the sob story is over for once and all.

 

Scarlett O'Casual

Important Info to Read Before Reading This Blog

Please note, all names of individuals contained herein are fake; places are not mentioned specifically. This is in order to protect the innocent (and possibly the guilty, meaning myself).

In the beginning section cataloging each date, I am including sections for things like “My Outfit” and “Amount of Time Spent Beautifying.” FYI, I am not a Narcissist. I put these as indicators of how important I thought the date was going to be beforehand. I am also using these categories because I think it will be interesting to note each date’s reaction to my appearance, as well as my own confidence level based on my own perception of how I look that day.

At the ending section cataloging each date, I have put in several categories of rankings of things like the person’s face, smell and interestingness. The rankings are not in order to be mean to my dates (hey, the names are changed!) I also included a category called “Deportment.” This category is based on the critical factor of how one carries himself, my little joke inspired by Mr. Turveydrop in Bleak House. Another category is “Amiable,” an idea that Jane Austen illustrated in descriptions of courtship. I think that the idea of Amiable is best described when Agatha Christie quotes David Copperfield in her autobiography: ‘”Is your brother an agreeable man, Peggotty?” I enquired cautiously. “Oh what an agreeable man he is!” exclaimed Peggotty .’ (Christie goes on to explain that her own father was an agreeable/amiable man.)

The purpose of all these rankings is in the interest of Science, to study how much importance I attach to each category in making an overall evaluation of how much I like someone and if I will date the person again. So, with that being said, just read the rest of the damn blog.

Scarlett O'Casual

Release Into The Wild

My first release into the wilds of dating. On the prowl. A little nervous. A little excited.

It all started with a chat after dinner at my friend Bee’s house, with another friend, Cassandra Chick-Lit, in attendance. Bee has been in a committed relationship for about 10 years; Cassandra and I are both currently single. As women so often do, the three of us began to analyze our relationship histories—the Good, the Bad & the Ugly. And while the three of us have plenty in common, it’s the Ugly I’ve mostly considered on a very personal level for the last year and a half (more on that later).

Cassandra and I began to talk about the Bad—in other words, where we have been unsuccessful in our relationships. All three of us are in our 30s, which seems to be a place where people become more in tune with who they are and can have more honest conversations about it. Cassandra confessed that she is a commitment-phobe. By contrast, I consider myself a non-commitment-phobe. This has been a very Ugly problem for me for many years past. I’ve had so many bad long-term relationships that I am starting to lose count. It started with a relationship with my High School Sweetheart, which lasted for nearly eight years and ended in the Bitter Big D. (Which divorce is not bitter??)

Anyway, for most of my adult life, I have impulsively committed to and been stuck with several of the wrong people. One, three, SEVEN years in: “Gee, all this wasted time has been a blast but I really have to leave now.” I could write a book about it (and in fact have a half-written manuscript on this topic in my desk right now.) Hence, the Anti-Commitment Problem, or ACP. That sounds like a medical diagnosis. Yes I like that—ACP—that sounds better than just saying I have a yucky personal issue.

This problem is still lurking around somewhere in my past and while I was talking to Bee and Cassandra, I realized that I have no idea how to date; here I am at this ripe age and I still don’t even have the skills that even a semi-popular teenager might. To my credit, in this past year of FINALLY self-inflicted singlehood, I have at least figured out a bit about why I have ACP (which I will discuss later). I have gone through quite a process this year, achieving not only monk-like celibacy, but a cynically self-protective edge over romantic impulsiveness.

But after talking it out with Bee and Cassandra, I suddenly realized that perhaps now there is a component missing in my life. Living by myself is not exactly lonely but potentially boring and I hate being bored. Plus, I may not want to be the old lady in the nursing home someday who passed up all the opportunities to have a relationship for 50 years because she made poor choices during the 15 years prior. Plus, it seems that dating would be a skill that many people in our society would/should have, and I do enjoy having skills. (I find it helps with résumés if nothing else.) Plus, I really can’t spend the entire rest of my life watching Star Trek on Netflix, as appealing as it may sound.

The project with which I am starting my new life will include going on a date with one new person every week OR  attending at least one dating-oriented event each week for a year.

Thus, with all these factors considered, I, Scarlett O’Casual, am ready for my Official Release into the Wild.

Cassandra Chick-Lit

Am I Mrs. Robinson?

It seems that lately all the men I’ve been interested in have been younger than me. I don’t mean a year or two or younger either, I mean like 6, 7 or even 8 years younger. I believe that as we get older age gaps make less of a difference but I still feel like the gap between early/mid twenties to early/mid thirties is a pretty significant one. I grew up so much in the last few years of my twenties and often times women already want to settle down before men. So, I’m just not confident I can hang around until a 25 year old is ready to get married and start a family because I may not have any eggs left by then.

I’m not sure why it is that I’ve been drawn to these specific younger men lately because in my head the ideal age range for me right now is men who are 35-38. I’m looking for a man who is a little bit older, established, and ready for kids soon. Perhaps it’s because I’m still sorting all that out myself that I’m attracted to men who aren’t there yet either, or maybe it’s because I want a partner with a creative side, and some of the older men have lost that in favor of practicality? I don’t know what it is but I’m trying to stay away from it. Is that wrong? Should I just go for it and not worry about it? What say you dear readers?

Cassandra Chick-Lit

What happens at the library gets written on the blog

Today I went to brunch with my friends. Then I went to the library to check out some children’s picture books for research. It was my first time in the children’s book section of the library. Usually when I want to look at picture books I go to the book store because they are guaranteed to have the newest, latest books in stock. This time though, I wanted to take the books home with me and really spend some time perusing them. So off to the library I went armed with a list of authors from my parent and educator friends.

When I got there a funny thing happened. I saw a man looking at some of the books on display on top of the bookshelves (they are short so the kids can reach them) with his iPad out. I thought oh that’s cute, I wonder if he’s picking out books for his kids. Then I happened to catch a glimpse of one of the books he was looking at, it had a cowboy on it and was that a ninja? I was on the other side of the row he was on and I kind of lingered because I had to get a closer look at that book if he put it back. While I was trying to make sure I wasn’t being creepy and lurkery, he spoke.

“Do you read a lot of children’s books?” he asked.

I briefly pondered how to answer. I had no children with me, but neither did he. I’m not a parent or a teacher or in any profession that deals with kids. So, I decided to tell him the truth. I told him I was a writer researching picture books. He asked me about my favorites and I rattled off a few names. He was there doing research for his brother who is looking to do some illustration work. We chatted for a bit and then I mentioned the writing group that I run as he said he does write some fiction. It turns out he had been to one meeting so we talked about his impressions on that.

Then I felt it was time to take action. I didn’t want to let the moment go, but I am still recovering from an illness and had already had some phlegm issues in addition to my lips being dry to the point that I feel like people can see how cracked they are, which makes me self-conscious when I talk. So, I finally said let me give you my e-mail address. You can reach me through the site (where I run the writing group) but that’s attached to my hotmail address and I’ve been having issues with it lately so here’s my gmail address. He said that would be great and he would definitely contact me. I don’t know if he’s even single or for that matter, straight but hey, at least I put myself out there. Even if nothing romantic comes of it, he can be a new writer friend, I can make an exception for people that can help my craft, or maybe he’ll have creative single friends even. And if something more does come out of it, well, that would be one great story!

Cassandra Chick-Lit

The results are in…

So, I finally got the results of my speed dating event back. I was beginning to worry that I didn’t have any matches because it had been a few days. Then the negativity started to creep in, out of 14 guys not even one wanted to go out with me at least once? Well, it turns out that only 1 put me down as a match. I chose 14 hoping to get at least 2 or 3 but I guess I should be happy I even got one right? I’m kind of bummed out because some of the guys I would be interested in being friends with more than anything and I think that can happen from speed dating too, actually I know it can, but I guess I shouldn’t worry about that because being friends with guys is part of why I am where I am right now. More on that in future posts.

Physically speaking the one guy who I did match with isn’t really the type I would normally go for, I don’t have one specific type, but there are things I like and don’t like as with anyone else. However, we had some common interests so I put him down trying to be open-minded. So, I guess now I’ll wait and see if he contacts me. I’m kind of old fashioned and I like to be pursued. I’m on the fence about attending another event with this company because I worry it’ll end up just being some of the same guys over and over again but you never know… I’d probably go to at least once more.

I may have some other prospects on the line though. This afternoon I was home sick from work so I poked around on one of the dating websites I am signed up for to amuse myself while I waited for my messages. I got an e-mail from one guy wanting friends with benefits, which I politely declined. I am fine with that if the agreement is mutually agreed upon but it’s not what I want right now while I’m trying to be more available for a relationship to grow. Then I got another e-mail from a guy who sounded interesting, he’s met Mother Theresa, I’m not a practicing Catholic at the moment, but that’s still pretty freaking cool. So, I didn’t wait my usual one day to reply, I just waited a few hours until he was offline (since I happened to be online when he was online messaging me) and just wrote back to him today. We’ll see when/if he replies again.

There is also another guy I may be interested in from one of the social groups I’m in but he is very young, younger than the other young guys I’ve been dating lately. He does seem mature in some ways, but most of our conversations have been online so it’s hard to tell. He may end up in my garden of man friends but it’s still too soon to tell what will happen yet…

Cassandra Chick-Lit

Speed dating

So,  I went speed dating today. I have been twice before with different companies and at one of those events I did end up matching with someone who I went out a few times before figuring out it wasn’t a love connection. We did continue to hang out though and have become good friends. I go into these things not expecting much other than to meet some new people who I may or may not see again. This event had 26 men, I think there were slightly fewer women, but I had to talk to 26 guys for 3 minutes each. It was fun and exhausting. It was somewhat well run, although they could have done a few things a little better. It’s always awkward trying to write notes and they were running a little behind schedule so they zipped us along pretty quickly and I had a few blanks in my notes next the guys’ names. So, when it came time to decide who I liked I filled up all 14 spots on the sheet. I wrote down some people I might not have been typically attracted to but whose conversation was interesting and a few who had blanks next to their names, because what the heck? It wouldn’t hurt to go on one date with them if we even end up matching. That’s the other thing, I don’t expect to match with all 14 so I just filled up the spots hoping to match with more than just 1 or 2.  We shall see shortly how that turns out…

Cassandra Chick-Lit, Introductory

Am I the unavailable one?

Cassie here and I have a slightly different problem than my friend Scarlett. While she seems to be perpetually involved in long term relationships I can’t seem to make it past a few weeks in any of mine. I recently had a revelation though.

I’ve suspected for some time now that maybe I’m the unavailable one. Then while searching for a solution to another problem I came across an article about that very topic. While I didn’t agree with all the logic behind it the signs they pointed out were pretty clear, I am unavailable. My current romantic interests are all unavailable, at least to me, but I may be part of the problem. I have a pattern of liking a guy, becoming friends with them, and then never dating them. I’ve suspected that at least some of these guys may have had an interest in me as well. Now, is the reason we never went out because I never asked (It is the 2000s and I’m a modern woman, a chicken, but a modern woman) or is it because I never gave them the go ahead to approach me about it?  This is something I may ask some of them in the future if I can get up the nerve and deal with the consequences of talking about it honestly. For now though, I’m just going to try to put myself out there more and see what happens.

To that end, my goal will be a little different than Scarlett’s. It will be to practice being more available. I’ve got a very busy schedule but I’m going to try to start making more room in it for dating. Also, I will be more focused on trying to find someone I can continue to go out with and hopefully even someone with whom I can be in a relationship. That’s what I want, but having been on my own for as long as I have been, that’s a scary thought. So, I’m going to need to find someone who is willing to take it slow with me.